We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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