Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
