The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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