when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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