i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.