I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
