remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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