She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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