You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
