My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I am naked and annoyed.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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