My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
