if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
