dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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