If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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