you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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