Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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