I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
one might say we're banned from that church
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
