So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
