just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
