I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
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