last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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