Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
