There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I will pee on everything he values.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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