fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
