i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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