you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
