I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos