rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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