she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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