i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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