my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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