im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
