I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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