Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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