1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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