I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Is it penis luge time yet?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
