So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
