I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Everyone says I win the strip club
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
