I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
so much tequila, so little girl.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
