So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
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This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
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Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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