I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
