Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
