Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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