You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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