is your mom at the bar?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
