I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
