Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
