Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
