When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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