omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
