even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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