Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm sobbing to NWA
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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