Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
