I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
