why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
