Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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