If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
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Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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