you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
