that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
