Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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