I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
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