everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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