listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
